More Clothes Need To Come Off

Let's all just take a moment to sit down and face the facts:

1) It's winter.

2) And we are all wearing WAY too many clothes.

It's that time of year where everyone is breaking up, people are getting tired of being stuck inside and looking at the thermometer that reads "24 degrees fahrenheit" knowing that between now and March in can only get - you guessed it - colder, and for those who live below the Mason-Dixon line, Christmas will be tepid at worst.

"Damn," you may say. And rightly so. I'm sure we can all think of things that we would rather endure than the seemingly never-ending pangs of wintery Chicagoland, including, but not limited to, the eternal torments of the fiery lake itself (God save us all). Of course, it seems needless to say that it's not just the cold that's getting us down. We're all watching those yuletide movies that get us so "pumped" for the holiday festivities of the year. Let's take a moment and examine some of these films.

A Charlie Brown Christmas - a great holiday flick...if you like the message of Christmas mixed with one part existential introspection and two parts suicidal appeal.

Love Actually - a fantastic movie to watch when you want to be reminded that you have no one to snuggle up next to while you watch a man fall for his best friend's wife and subsequently observe Alan Rickman's marriage fall apart. A real spirit lifter.

A Christmas Story - the moral of which is this: if you get what you want for Christmas, you may, no, WILL shoot your eye out. There's scientific proof.

A Muppet Christmas Carol - terrific. Everything works out. Of course, there's only two human characters in the whole thing, one of whom is a miser who lost his opportunity for true love after putting all his hopes into the races, the other of whom is a needlessly annoying alto with aspirations of sounding like Norah Jones but only sounds like a post-tracheotomy Marlboro man singing about how close he and Ebenezer came to being close. No thank you.

And the list goes on and on. My solution to this heart-wrenching time is not that we spend more time thinking about "The Reason for the Season," but that we all get off our asses and take off our clothes. Think about it. Who would be angry in a world full of naked folks? I know I wouldn't be. Hell, I would lead the way if I believed people would follow me - if I were alone, surely I would be committed for claiming to be Santa Claus and offering to show off my "Bag of Goodies." But seriously, we would all have a better time if drank less egg nog and just took off more clothes. This is why I, a humble devotee of this new holiday tradition, implore you to join me in my quest for naturalism. If we all take a moment and even think about the spiritual implications, it would be great. Let's be honest, I doubt Jesus was born WEARING swaddling clothes, certainly that was an after thought. If we all freed ourselves from the tyranny of materialism, and even material in general, we would all have a much more splendid time where caroling would probably lessen and snowball fights would come to have more long-term, damaging effects. So, dear friends, join me, and hear me when I say, more clothes need to come off.

For the love of God.

Please.