Zac & Christian; Another Conversation Via Text Message

Dec. 13, 2009 1:54pm PST (Dec. 31, 2010 11:57pm New York Time)

C. Gonz: I love you, my brother.

Z. Chast: I love you too. I am tired of doing the play called Christmas Carol.

C. Gonz: Understandable. You're not very good with clothes.

Z. Chast: Exactly. 4th show of the last 48 hours starts in 30 minutes.

C. Gonz: Oh, God. I'm so sorry. Also, I think it's cool that two heterosexual dudes can tell each other they love each other.

Z. Chast: Agreed. Doesn't happen enough these days. Way this country's headed.

C. Gonz: Yeah. Too bad the recession applies to guy love between two guys. And we're expected to find jobs in this climate, too. What else do you want from us, Dad?

Z. Chast: Supply and demand my ass.

C. Gonz: I won't do that. I love you, but it's not supposed to be weird like that. Also, a plunger is an embarrassing thing to buy because everyone knows what you've done.

Z. Chast: Walk of shame takes on a while new meaning when you're trying to find your Walmart shoppers' club card while fumbling with a plunger and scented candles.

C. Gonz: Yeah. But the laxatives are really what make it overkill. And it isn't terribly weird until the guy behind you says, "Big day ahead of you, huh?"

Z. Chast: At which point you break your cardinal rule never to call anyone "chief" in a derogatory manner and say, "Listen, chief, why don't you just pay for your Funyuns."

C. Gonz: Then you realize that you just sank to his level, and all that's left for you is the Jesus Prayer. Also, I hear it's about 2011 out your way.

Z. Chast: Yep, season 6 LOST sucked. Time for me to get dressed man. I gotta make this place smell like cookies.

C. Gonz: Happy show. New plunger works like a charm.

Zac & Christian, a conversation via text messaging

Dec. 4, 1:54 PM, EST (11:54 AM, Thanksgiving Day 2007, California-time)

C. Gonz: Plus. If one day it were to be published, I might get to meet him [Ben Gibbard], which would really just be a ploy to steal Zooey back. Seriously. I mean. Come on. We're in love with the same woman, for crying out loud! Also. I'm really sad that I burned my tongue on my coffee this morning. :( In the words of Michael Scott, mo' money, mo' problems.

Z. Chast: Is the lesson here that sometimes the early bird doesn't get the worm? Also, I just got 3 texts, one you just sent and two from earlier, re: Meeting Gib and stealing back Zooey. I no longer trust my phone.

C. Gonz: It's tough when the things you used to think were true no longer are.

Z. Chast: Suddenly you look at your mom and think, "Maybe you are nurturer. But maybe you're not."

C. Gonz: That's when you know you've arrived at agnosticism, and you have no choice but to become a vegetarian just in case cows really did create the world.

Z. Chast: And as you're sitting on the toilet after your 3rd bowl of vegetarian chili, you think to yourself, "This isn't the life I imagined."

C. Gonz: Except for maybe the diarrhea. You really should have seen that coming give the bowel loosener supplement that you used to swear by.

Z. Chast: And that's just the problem, isn't it? When you began, science was your savior, but now she's your wife. And she is a fickle, tempestuous whore.

C. Gonz: Now all you want is death, death for your birthday.

Fatty Writes Santa a Letter

Dear Santa,

How are you? I hope that these last couple days before Christmas aren't stressing you out too bad! LOLZ. I can only imagine what you have to deal with - all those elves wanting this and that, reindeer with hoof-and-mouth disease, and not to mention the cold up there! Has it been as cold in the North Pole as it has been here? Mommy and Daddy have been telling me that Global Warming is a myth and that "the liberals will find any way to twist this environmental shit to make it go their way. Commies." I don't really know that any of that means, but I've never heard the story of Global Warming, so I'm pretty unfamiliar with the myth. Does it have a happy ending?

 

I guess I'll just get to the point of this letter. I know it's last minute, but that's just sorta how I am with these things! ROFL! Mommy and Daddy have been talking a lot about the eekonomy (sp?) and how it's having these really bad results in terms of our lifestyle. They're saying that we might only have one turkey between the three of us this year! That seems like a real bummer. I don't remember the last time we didn't have our own turkey each. They were also saying that we might have to sell our recliners that surround our dinner table, just so we can have enough money to get all the ingredients we need for figgie pudding, fruit cakes, gingerbread cookies, pumpkin pie, sweet potatoes, apple cider (we make it extra sweet!), stuffing (triple portion), and of course jumbo-sized candy canes! This doesn't really seem like the proper holiday attitude to have in this house! We are a small family, but we have large hearts and need sustenance, especially on Christmas. I just don't think it's right that Daddy should have to give up his recliner and turkey just because the eekonomie (sp? I just don't know!) is "bottoming out," he says.

Please, Santa. Save Christmas for us. We don't want to have to get rid of the recliners, because Mommy says that our wooden chairs are for guests who are less "girthy" than we are. This year, please, we don't want presents. Forget about the stocking stuffers (except for the Skittles, Starburst, Reese's Peanut Butter cups, See's Candy Boxes, York Peppermint Patties, Jolly Ranchers, 3 Musketeer Bars, Milky Way bars (both milk and dark chocolate), Gummy Bears, Sour Patch Kids, etc.), please just bring us our holiday meals. They are our just desserts (get it?!). Please bring Mommy and Daddy two more turkeys. Please bring me another bowl of cranberry jelly. Please bring us those Christmas hams, too! It's not fair that just because other people can't manage their money and the eckohnemi (SP?!) tanks that we have to feel the "pangs of financial desperation," that's what Daddy says.

 

So, please help us, Santa. Please. We're in need. And that's what you do right? Help the needy. Feed the hungry. Heal the sick. Make the blind to see and the lame to walk. I know you've got it in there somewhere to help us in our hour of need. LOL! Why would I doubt you?!

Merry Christmas,

Fatty McFarly

Walla World

This is Christopher Walla, producer and guitarist for the now-famous Indie-Allstar outfit Death Cab for Cutie.

This photo was taken shortly after Ben Gibbard "jokingly" smacked Chris in the head for suggesting that maybe Ben could go shopping for new sneakers later and lay down a rhythm guitar part now.

"OK, Ben, just try to keep it to two hours this time... Or three.... three is fine."

Later that night, Chris calls a meeting with other D-Cab members Nick and Jason to discuss the band's future.

Chris: You know, we don't need Ben. He's not the only writer in this band. You guys have been to my myspace. This band goes on, with or without Mr. Benjamin Gibbard! Jason-- you were just telling me yesterday how you wanted to take more chances. And Nick, I love the demos you sent to my gmail. Really fresh sound. Now who's with me??

Nick: We're a fucking joke without Ben.

Jason: Yeah, I think you're tired Chris.

Chris: Just like that, Jay?

Jason: I'm sorry Chris, I understand you have to work with him the most one on one and that can be hard but--

Chris: (interrupting) No yeah shutup shutup shutup. [collects himself] Ok. I didn't want to have to do this, but I will. Jason, Ben fucked your sister.

Jason: What?

Chris: [pointing] Yeah, he did it right there on the soundboard.

Jason: Cathy?

Chris: Ben was blind drunk, he started playing her "I will follow you" and then stopped midway through and just started plowing her, right here, while I was mixing. Like I wasn't even here. Thank God I had just saved the levels.

Jason: [barely comprehending] She's...a...diabetic. I mean, what if she--

Chris: So, re-vote?

Nick: Wait. So you watched them?

Chris: No. Of course I didn't "just" watch them.

Nick: Wait, what?

Jason: Yeah. What?

Chris: What?

Nick: What do you mean "just" watch them?

Chris: I didn't say "just."

Nick: No, yeah. You definitely did.

Chris: No, you said, "You just watched them?" And I said I didn't.

Nick: I never said, "just."

Jason: He never said "just."

Nick: You added "just." I didn't say "just."

Chris: Whatever. I know what you said and I know what I said. Enough.

Nick: You said -

Chris: Look. This isn't the conversation I called you here to have.

Jason: Chris, why are you getting so defensive?

Chris: [responding to Jason's accusation] I'm not gay for Ben.

(silence, everyone, including Chris, baffled)

Nick: Did you just...

Chris: the Myspace page...

Jason: ...on the soundboard?

Nick: I think you just came out.

Jason: Cathy and Ben...

Chris: No, dude.

Jason: ...so fucked up.

Nick: Are you gay for Ben, Chris?

Chris: Nah...nah...no. Ahem. No.

Christian and Zachary Are Different

In honor of our friends Courtney and Amanda, we have decided to use this blog post to enumerate the many ways that the progenitors of this domain are dissimilar. When two people use a common forum to advertise their goodies, it is not difficult to confuse their entities and consider them a unified front. So, in the spirit of Christian honesty, we, Zachary and Christian, have deigned to show mercy on you, our beloved readers, and give you the insider's look and remedy your ignorance through a VH1-behind-the-music-esque view of our motley lives.

So, without further ado:

1) Christian is from the West Coast, and Zachary is from the East Coast.

2) Zachary rolls with Biggie, Christian rolls with Tupac.

3) Christian is the son of a male nurse, and Zachary is the son of a male pastor.

4) Zachary is skinny, and Christian is not-so-skinny.

5) Christian likes to be honest with his friends, trusting that their friendship will endure no matter what the topic,
while "Zachary" likes to beat around the bush and usually ends up hurting feelings more often that way.

6) Zachary has never paid for sex.

7) Christian doesn't like to talk about it. Zachary won't let it go.

8) Zachary will worry about a term paper for two weeks only to start it the night before it's due. Christian will not worry about a term paper until the night before it's due.

9) Christian is not afraid to touch you. Zachary is watching you.

10) Zachary's favorite color is green. Christian's favorite color is blue.

11) Christian was a first baseman, and Zachary was a second baseman.

12) Zachary likes a woman who ain't scared to get dirty. Christian wants a girl he can take home to meet mom.

13) Christian finds value in reading children's literature such as Harry Potter. Zachary is an intellectual snob who thinks children are weak-minded.

14) Zachary got an A- in Modern European Literature while Christian only managed to get a B+.

15) Christian wonders why Zachary is so afraid to be equals. Zachary is compensating for something.

16) Zachary would like to uppercut you right out of those Crocs and that Jack Johnson T-Shirt. Christian thought his first CD was okay.

17) Christian wears sandals. Zachary does not like bare male feet.

18) Zachary was born in the Fall, Christian was born in the Summer.

19) Christian thinks that Church and society should learn to openly dialogue with another. Zachary thinks God doesn't see him when defecates on public monuments.

20) Zachary believes that desperate times call for desperate measures; dictators must be overthrown one way or another. Christian will be voting for John McCain.

21) Christian likes to vote with his pants on. Zachary has never made it through an election without getting arrested.

22) Zachary has 99 problems and four of them are bitches. Christian wishes he wasn't a bitch.

23) Christian isn't a bitch.

24) Yeah-huh.

25) When was the last time you were truly vulnerable?

26) I don't remember.

27) I wish I didn't.

28) Zachary drinks to remember. Christian drinks to forget.

29) Christian took the registrar seriously and now has a college degree, unlike Zachary who will never be a competent French speaker.

30) Zachary tries not say hurtful things to his friends which he might regret in the morning. When he's sober.

Fighting Crime Doesn't Pay

Superheroes everywhere are putting down their capes and donning white collars to join a new kind of intensive force: the labor force. Their mission: to make rent and utilities by the first of the month. Superhero representative/spokesperson Adriana Adams, when questioned about this trend, said, "Superheroes are people, too. People who need shelter, food, and normalcy." Adams went on to relate that that superheroes are simply not making enough money to support themselves and/or any legitimate or otherwise conceived superhero babies they may have flying around. The superhero community has repeated time and again that they cannot continue their services without compensation, calling the public-at-large a bunch of "freeloading 'normies' who need constant babysitting." The public, however, has refused to acknowledge the requests of its mutant, radioactive counterparts believing "normies" to be a term of endearment to the completely helpness nature of the flightless, superstrengthless majority of the human race.

When asked how he felt regarding leaving the public eye as a superhuman, the incredible Hulk responded, "Well, it just makes me [expletive] angry, mostly. I mean, [expletive], we have asked those [expletive] to help us out financially. It's not a [expletive] cake-walk reeking mayhem and pursuing vigilante justice...we're risking our [expletive] lives out there." And the Hulk is not the only superhero to feel this way. The amazing Spider-man commented, "We can't be out there all the time. We just can't. Yes, we have great power and even greater responsibility. But my bills don't pay themselves...It really is best."

The superhero community has been contemplating this move for a long time, and only now have they finally made the seriousness of the situation and the actuality of the switch known. This has also given superheroes the chance to find jobs where their unique powers will be of use to them. Many, however, have found the job hunt to be somewhat fruitless. Wolverine was stopped outside of a broker's office in Manhattan, he shared, "Listen, bub, there just isn't much to say. What use does a broker have for a guy with an adamantium skeleton and retractable claws? I have powers, not skills."

And so, the Avengers, the X-men, the Fantastic Four are no more. With the disbanding of all these superhero groups, the public finds itself wondering exactly who will fight for them, protecting the innocent and apprehending the baddies. The superheroes, meanwhile, are up against a whole new set of trials - fitting in to the world around them and making endsmeet. Many are trading their high-tech radio communicators and telepathic powers for cell phones which present their own problems such as setting up voicemail and text messaging. And maybe it is time that normies rise to the call of this new era and act like heroes now. How? By offering jobs to any street corner hobo who looks like he once was a Human Torch, or by sharing any expertise regarding common, modern technology (cell phones, iPod's, etc.) with someone wearing ruby-quartz glasses because he just may have been Cyclops once. And it will be most important that we join forces with our former protectors as they battle the most frightening villain they have all had yet to face: the resume.

Hot Diggity (Dog Ziggity Boom)

The lyrics to Al Hoffman and Dick Manning's famous 1956 ditty:

(Note: If you're searching for Blackstreet's "No Diggity", please redirect yourself.)

Oh, hot diggity, dog ziggity, boom what you do to me
It's so new to me, what you do to me
Hot diggity, dog ziggity, boom what you do to me
When you're holding me tight

Never dreamed anybody could kiss thattaway
Bring me bliss thattaway, what a kiss thattaway
What a wonderful feelin' to feel thattaway
Tell me where have you been all my life

Oh, hot diggity, dog ziggity, boom what you do to me
It's so new to me, what you do to me
Hot diggity, dog ziggity, boom what you do to me
When you're holding me tight

Never knew that my heart could go "zing" thattaway
Ting-a-ling thattaway, make me sing thattaway
Said "goodbye" to my troubles, they went thattaway
Ever since you came into my life

Oh, hot diggity, dog ziggit,y boom what you do to me
It's so new to me, what you do to me
Hot diggity, dog ziggity, boom what you do to me
When you're holding me tight

There's a cute little cottage for two thattaway
Skies are blue thattaway, dreams come true thattaway
If you say I can share it with you thattaway
I'll be happy the rest of my life

Hot dog!!