The Beginning of Life: Sex Ed From Christian and Zac, or; Is It True That If You Don't Use It, You Lose It?

Greetings to all. Zac and I have descended from on high to let you all (y’all for the NC-toolbags among us)…

(WHOA. Okay, Christian. I know you have the computer, but that was uncalled for.
Sorry.
It’s cool.
So anyways.)

We have descended from on high to…

(Hey, Christian!
::sigh:: What, Zac?
Well, fine, nevermind. Not if you’re gonna have that attitude.
Dude, what attitude? You interrupted me.
::whispers:: What makes you think I won’t cut you?
…::points:: That security camera.
Fair enough. You were saying?
Right…)

Zac and I have descended from on high to share with you Cretans the stuff we know about sex and why you shouldn’t have it…ever. Under any and all circumcisions.

::Zac coughs::

…sorry, circumstances.

(Don’t worry, it’s cool, dude. My bad.
No, Christian. It’s not cool. You always do that.
No, Zac, I frequently do that.
I frequently do your mother.
I’m not going to high five you for that. Put your hand down.
Come on, just once.
No.
But seriously,)

::Zac turns to audience that isn’t there::
Expressions like, “I frequently do Christian’s mother” or “I’d tap Christian’s mother,” reduce women to kegs and/or lesson plans that need to “get done.”
::Turns back to Christian::
(But seriously, I’d get your mom done.
For the last time, Zac, I am NOT going to give you a high five.

::Zac begins to mime sweeping the floor, implying that he would “clean that s*** up,” a gesture of sexual domination::
::Drew walks in::

(What’s up guys?
Zac is threatening to have sex with my mother.
Yeah, dude!
See, Christian, Drew gives me high fives. Why can’t you?
I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.
::Zac whispers to Christian::
Dude, how gay is Christian?
You're talking to me, dude.
Oh…my bad.
::Zac whispers to Drew::
Dude, how gay is Christian?
::Drew whispers back::
Seventy percent.
That high five looked stupid, AND I can hear every word you guys are saying.
So you guys called me in today to talk about sex, right? You know I’m a sexual Jedi.
Yeah, we heard that.)

Can you say a few words about your ascent to “sexual Jedi” status?
Well I’d better start with my training.

(No. Stop. Wrong. Bad.
Christian, seriously. You are such a naysayer.
No. Screw you, guys. This sucks.
So does your mom.
First of all, stop with the mom thing. Secondly, no high fives. Thirdly, you're sort of an ass.
::Zac starts crying::
Well, mom and dad fight because you cry at night.
::Zac runs out of the room::
::Drew and Christian look at each other::
You cry at night?
No.
Pansy.
::Drew leaves::
Seriously...I don't.)

Okay, so I'm glad you're all learned now. Have a good night.

(::Runs after Drew and Zac::
My crying is NOT why mom and dad fight!)

and they will know us by the trail of pecan pies and grandpa chairs......and dead.

Hey ya'll, how's it doin'?? (That's translated "you all" and "how are you today?" for all you yankees.)

Asheville, NC was great, and the turkey was all right too, I guess (know what I'm sayin'!?)

I spent quality time with 4 to 5 slices of pecan pie, each saddled with a strapping portion of creamy vanilla icecream. I also fell asleep in an upright sitting position more times than I can recount, pushing my grandpa out of his prized nappin-chair and causing general disruption of routine in the patriarchal Chastain home. I also would like to here apologize for the horse language used in describing pecan pie I ate this week.

It hurts me to say it, but...

ya'll take care now.

zBc

What's in Your Turkey?

I never really understood why the turkey companies decided it would be a good idea to cut off the turkey's neck and shove it back in the turkey's body through an orifice that needs not to be named. Who does that help? It's sort of debasing to the turkey, and that means that the turkey consumer has to reach his/her hand into the body of his/her soon to be meal, simply to pull out what never belonged inside in the first place and, furthermore, could simply have been discarded by the folks at Butterball. And need I mention the giblets?

Thanksgiving is a confusing time.