The Beginning of Life: Sex Ed From Christian and Zac, or; Is It True That If You Don't Use It, You Lose It?

Greetings to all. Zac and I have descended from on high to let you all (y’all for the NC-toolbags among us)…

(WHOA. Okay, Christian. I know you have the computer, but that was uncalled for.
Sorry.
It’s cool.
So anyways.)

We have descended from on high to…

(Hey, Christian!
::sigh:: What, Zac?
Well, fine, nevermind. Not if you’re gonna have that attitude.
Dude, what attitude? You interrupted me.
::whispers:: What makes you think I won’t cut you?
…::points:: That security camera.
Fair enough. You were saying?
Right…)

Zac and I have descended from on high to share with you Cretans the stuff we know about sex and why you shouldn’t have it…ever. Under any and all circumcisions.

::Zac coughs::

…sorry, circumstances.

(Don’t worry, it’s cool, dude. My bad.
No, Christian. It’s not cool. You always do that.
No, Zac, I frequently do that.
I frequently do your mother.
I’m not going to high five you for that. Put your hand down.
Come on, just once.
No.
But seriously,)

::Zac turns to audience that isn’t there::
Expressions like, “I frequently do Christian’s mother” or “I’d tap Christian’s mother,” reduce women to kegs and/or lesson plans that need to “get done.”
::Turns back to Christian::
(But seriously, I’d get your mom done.
For the last time, Zac, I am NOT going to give you a high five.

::Zac begins to mime sweeping the floor, implying that he would “clean that s*** up,” a gesture of sexual domination::
::Drew walks in::

(What’s up guys?
Zac is threatening to have sex with my mother.
Yeah, dude!
See, Christian, Drew gives me high fives. Why can’t you?
I can’t believe we’re having this conversation.
::Zac whispers to Christian::
Dude, how gay is Christian?
You're talking to me, dude.
Oh…my bad.
::Zac whispers to Drew::
Dude, how gay is Christian?
::Drew whispers back::
Seventy percent.
That high five looked stupid, AND I can hear every word you guys are saying.
So you guys called me in today to talk about sex, right? You know I’m a sexual Jedi.
Yeah, we heard that.)

Can you say a few words about your ascent to “sexual Jedi” status?
Well I’d better start with my training.

(No. Stop. Wrong. Bad.
Christian, seriously. You are such a naysayer.
No. Screw you, guys. This sucks.
So does your mom.
First of all, stop with the mom thing. Secondly, no high fives. Thirdly, you're sort of an ass.
::Zac starts crying::
Well, mom and dad fight because you cry at night.
::Zac runs out of the room::
::Drew and Christian look at each other::
You cry at night?
No.
Pansy.
::Drew leaves::
Seriously...I don't.)

Okay, so I'm glad you're all learned now. Have a good night.

(::Runs after Drew and Zac::
My crying is NOT why mom and dad fight!)