Superheroes everywhere are putting down their capes and donning white collars to join a new kind of intensive force: the labor force. Their mission: to make rent and utilities by the first of the month. Superhero representative/spokesperson Adriana Adams, when questioned about this trend, said, "Superheroes are people, too. People who need shelter, food, and normalcy." Adams went on to relate that that superheroes are simply not making enough money to support themselves and/or any legitimate or otherwise conceived superhero babies they may have flying around. The superhero community has repeated time and again that they cannot continue their services without compensation, calling the public-at-large a bunch of "freeloading 'normies' who need constant babysitting." The public, however, has refused to acknowledge the requests of its mutant, radioactive counterparts believing "normies" to be a term of endearment to the completely helpness nature of the flightless, superstrengthless majority of the human race.
When asked how he felt regarding leaving the public eye as a superhuman, the incredible Hulk responded, "Well, it just makes me [expletive] angry, mostly. I mean, [expletive], we have asked those [expletive] to help us out financially. It's not a [expletive] cake-walk reeking mayhem and pursuing vigilante justice...we're risking our [expletive] lives out there." And the Hulk is not the only superhero to feel this way. The amazing Spider-man commented, "We can't be out there all the time. We just can't. Yes, we have great power and even greater responsibility. But my bills don't pay themselves...It really is best."
The superhero community has been contemplating this move for a long time, and only now have they finally made the seriousness of the situation and the actuality of the switch known. This has also given superheroes the chance to find jobs where their unique powers will be of use to them. Many, however, have found the job hunt to be somewhat fruitless. Wolverine was stopped outside of a broker's office in Manhattan, he shared, "Listen, bub, there just isn't much to say. What use does a broker have for a guy with an adamantium skeleton and retractable claws? I have powers, not skills."
And so, the Avengers, the X-men, the Fantastic Four are no more. With the disbanding of all these superhero groups, the public finds itself wondering exactly who will fight for them, protecting the innocent and apprehending the baddies. The superheroes, meanwhile, are up against a whole new set of trials - fitting in to the world around them and making endsmeet. Many are trading their high-tech radio communicators and telepathic powers for cell phones which present their own problems such as setting up voicemail and text messaging. And maybe it is time that normies rise to the call of this new era and act like heroes now. How? By offering jobs to any street corner hobo who looks like he once was a Human Torch, or by sharing any expertise regarding common, modern technology (cell phones, iPod's, etc.) with someone wearing ruby-quartz glasses because he just may have been Cyclops once. And it will be most important that we join forces with our former protectors as they battle the most frightening villain they have all had yet to face: the resume.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Sunday, June 22, 2008
Hot Diggity (Dog Ziggity Boom)
The lyrics to Al Hoffman and Dick Manning's famous 1956 ditty:
(Note: If you're searching for Blackstreet's "No Diggity", please redirect yourself.)
Oh, hot diggity, dog ziggity, boom what you do to me
It's so new to me, what you do to me
Hot diggity, dog ziggity, boom what you do to me
When you're holding me tight
Never dreamed anybody could kiss thattaway
Bring me bliss thattaway, what a kiss thattaway
What a wonderful feelin' to feel thattaway
Tell me where have you been all my life
Oh, hot diggity, dog ziggity, boom what you do to me
It's so new to me, what you do to me
Hot diggity, dog ziggity, boom what you do to me
When you're holding me tight
Never knew that my heart could go "zing" thattaway
Ting-a-ling thattaway, make me sing thattaway
Said "goodbye" to my troubles, they went thattaway
Ever since you came into my life
Oh, hot diggity, dog ziggit,y boom what you do to me
It's so new to me, what you do to me
Hot diggity, dog ziggity, boom what you do to me
When you're holding me tight
There's a cute little cottage for two thattaway
Skies are blue thattaway, dreams come true thattaway
If you say I can share it with you thattaway
I'll be happy the rest of my life
Hot dog!!
(Note: If you're searching for Blackstreet's "No Diggity", please redirect yourself.)
Oh, hot diggity, dog ziggity, boom what you do to me
It's so new to me, what you do to me
Hot diggity, dog ziggity, boom what you do to me
When you're holding me tight
Never dreamed anybody could kiss thattaway
Bring me bliss thattaway, what a kiss thattaway
What a wonderful feelin' to feel thattaway
Tell me where have you been all my life
Oh, hot diggity, dog ziggity, boom what you do to me
It's so new to me, what you do to me
Hot diggity, dog ziggity, boom what you do to me
When you're holding me tight
Never knew that my heart could go "zing" thattaway
Ting-a-ling thattaway, make me sing thattaway
Said "goodbye" to my troubles, they went thattaway
Ever since you came into my life
Oh, hot diggity, dog ziggit,y boom what you do to me
It's so new to me, what you do to me
Hot diggity, dog ziggity, boom what you do to me
When you're holding me tight
There's a cute little cottage for two thattaway
Skies are blue thattaway, dreams come true thattaway
If you say I can share it with you thattaway
I'll be happy the rest of my life
Hot dog!!
Tuesday, June 3, 2008
A Letter to Stephen Spielberg and George Lucas, Re: New Indiana Jones Film
Dear Steve and George (if I may),
I recently attended a midnight release of your latest endeavor, and highly anticipated addendum to the legendary saga of one, Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones, Jr., Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I must say, this newest installment of the epic story of a "part-time" (your words, via Indiana Jones, played by Harrison Ford) archeology professor did not disappoint in the way of an entertaining blockbuster. That said, I find myself with several qualms regarding the film.
It is my (educated) feeling that the newest of the Indiana Jones films (now a four film saga) did not reflect well on the preceding episodes in the life of Dr. Jones. IJATKOTCS (I call it for short) lacked the cinematographic inspiration, existential questioning, and all around artistic vision that so aptly defines the previous films. While in Raiders of the Lost Ark our hero, Indy, goes through thick and thin to obtain the coveted Ark of the Covenant, a deeply significant artifact that plays a crucial part in the redemptive historical acts of a Judeo-Christian God. I mean, angels sit atop the ark; angels, a symbol of divine help, especially as it relates to helping underdog baseball teams come from behind to win the pennant (cf. Angels in the Outfield). No doubt this clear semiotic "shout-out" was to the people of America, telling them to hold tight and know that divine outfielders are on the way. Truly, a mark of genius on the part of director and story writer/producer/film editor alike. That's a story people can relate to. That's a symbol that everybody recognizes. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom also hits home some deeply important themes. The first of which is that smaller people of a different race deserve to be treated differently and given nicknames like "Short Round." Indy blazes this trail by, appropriately, getting annoyed at SR's relentless "Docta J-oh-nz"-ing him. The implications of this in a post-9/11 society are quite eerily apropos. Another lesson learned is that Indian voodoo masters are a lot like scorned women - they try to tear your heart out - and the proper way to deal with them (the women) is to kill them before they kill you. And, again, you guys delivered with Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Seriously. A work of sheer and utter cinematic genius. Truly, this is the Holy Grail of all movies. At least of all movies dealing directly with the Holy Grail (with the possible exception of Monty Python's film dealing with said Grail). Where else than in this world can you combine the stylings of James Bond and Han Solo? Visionary. And who doesn't hate the Nazis (this a joke that only us total Indy buffs will get. Am I right?!) Having realized that the paganism route can only get you so far (gutted), you guys returned to Christian lore, which was a good movie in securing the Christian vote for "Movie of the Millennium" (until the title was passed on in a tie to Mel Gibson's The Passion and Andrew Adamson's The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe). Truly, by the third movie, you two had hit a stride, having finally gotten over that awkward hump of you guys getting used to each other. You felt it, America felt it, we all loved it. So now, I come to the next part of this letter.
I just have so many questions. Not least of which is: "Why?" Secondly: "Really?" After everything we had all been through with the last three movies. We just all had to move on, putting Dr. Henry Jones, Sr. and Marcus Brody behind us and look to the future next to the guy from Transformers. He played with giant toys, for the love of God. How am I supposed to take him seriously in his role as the dreamy renegade, Mutt Williams, especially when at one point when he makes friends with monkeys and subsequently swings from trees (which, by the way, was fairly impressive to me as monkeys can prove quite unruly in front of a camera. Well done.)? This question demands an answer. And who will give it to me? Will you? If so, buckle your seatbelts because I have a few more questions I need to put out there.
Why the title? It's practically novel length.
Why does Cate Blanchett crushing a manivorous ant between her legs turn me on?
Who are these aliens, and where did they come from?
Did bringing aliens into the story seem like the natural step to linking theStar Wars Trilogy and the other Star Wars Trilogy with the Indy films, not to mention Close Encounters, A.I., and Saving Private Ryan?
Regarding the aforementioned aliens, are they judges of good and evil?
Was Shia LaBeouf's line, "Oh, s**t!" supposed to be a veiled reference to the possibility of a fifth Indy flick (fingers crossed for six)?
Why am I still turned on by Cate Blanchett's insecticide?
Do Russians really sound like that?
What happened to the Christian lore? We had such a good thing going there.
Do the powers that govern the world Indy inhabits continually exist in a state of flux or is Indy's truth not Truth but merely his perception of It which remains indisputably true (for him)?
How did you guys get in touch with Janitor from NBC's (now ABC's) Scrubs? He really lent to your credibility as filmmakers.
Have you guys ever bathed together (this is just a fan question. Nothing really to do with the movie)?
Anyways, S-dawg and G (if I may), I look forward to hearing back from you guys regarding the numerous concerns (as well as appraisals) I have heretofore enumerated. You don't need me to say it, but as always, you guys are the best.
As usual, we'll be having a July 4th block party and, again, as always, you guys are invited. Maybe this year we'll see you! Haha. I kid. But seriously, my wife's red, white, and blue latkes are to die for.
Mazel tov!
I recently attended a midnight release of your latest endeavor, and highly anticipated addendum to the legendary saga of one, Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones, Jr., Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I must say, this newest installment of the epic story of a "part-time" (your words, via Indiana Jones, played by Harrison Ford) archeology professor did not disappoint in the way of an entertaining blockbuster. That said, I find myself with several qualms regarding the film.
It is my (educated) feeling that the newest of the Indiana Jones films (now a four film saga) did not reflect well on the preceding episodes in the life of Dr. Jones. IJATKOTCS (I call it for short) lacked the cinematographic inspiration, existential questioning, and all around artistic vision that so aptly defines the previous films. While in Raiders of the Lost Ark our hero, Indy, goes through thick and thin to obtain the coveted Ark of the Covenant, a deeply significant artifact that plays a crucial part in the redemptive historical acts of a Judeo-Christian God. I mean, angels sit atop the ark; angels, a symbol of divine help, especially as it relates to helping underdog baseball teams come from behind to win the pennant (cf. Angels in the Outfield). No doubt this clear semiotic "shout-out" was to the people of America, telling them to hold tight and know that divine outfielders are on the way. Truly, a mark of genius on the part of director and story writer/producer/film editor alike. That's a story people can relate to. That's a symbol that everybody recognizes. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom also hits home some deeply important themes. The first of which is that smaller people of a different race deserve to be treated differently and given nicknames like "Short Round." Indy blazes this trail by, appropriately, getting annoyed at SR's relentless "Docta J-oh-nz"-ing him. The implications of this in a post-9/11 society are quite eerily apropos. Another lesson learned is that Indian voodoo masters are a lot like scorned women - they try to tear your heart out - and the proper way to deal with them (the women) is to kill them before they kill you. And, again, you guys delivered with Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Seriously. A work of sheer and utter cinematic genius. Truly, this is the Holy Grail of all movies. At least of all movies dealing directly with the Holy Grail (with the possible exception of Monty Python's film dealing with said Grail). Where else than in this world can you combine the stylings of James Bond and Han Solo? Visionary. And who doesn't hate the Nazis (this a joke that only us total Indy buffs will get. Am I right?!) Having realized that the paganism route can only get you so far (gutted), you guys returned to Christian lore, which was a good movie in securing the Christian vote for "Movie of the Millennium" (until the title was passed on in a tie to Mel Gibson's The Passion and Andrew Adamson's The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe). Truly, by the third movie, you two had hit a stride, having finally gotten over that awkward hump of you guys getting used to each other. You felt it, America felt it, we all loved it. So now, I come to the next part of this letter.
I just have so many questions. Not least of which is: "Why?" Secondly: "Really?" After everything we had all been through with the last three movies. We just all had to move on, putting Dr. Henry Jones, Sr. and Marcus Brody behind us and look to the future next to the guy from Transformers. He played with giant toys, for the love of God. How am I supposed to take him seriously in his role as the dreamy renegade, Mutt Williams, especially when at one point when he makes friends with monkeys and subsequently swings from trees (which, by the way, was fairly impressive to me as monkeys can prove quite unruly in front of a camera. Well done.)? This question demands an answer. And who will give it to me? Will you? If so, buckle your seatbelts because I have a few more questions I need to put out there.
Why the title? It's practically novel length.
Why does Cate Blanchett crushing a manivorous ant between her legs turn me on?
Who are these aliens, and where did they come from?
Did bringing aliens into the story seem like the natural step to linking theStar Wars Trilogy and the other Star Wars Trilogy with the Indy films, not to mention Close Encounters, A.I., and Saving Private Ryan?
Regarding the aforementioned aliens, are they judges of good and evil?
Was Shia LaBeouf's line, "Oh, s**t!" supposed to be a veiled reference to the possibility of a fifth Indy flick (fingers crossed for six)?
Why am I still turned on by Cate Blanchett's insecticide?
Do Russians really sound like that?
What happened to the Christian lore? We had such a good thing going there.
Do the powers that govern the world Indy inhabits continually exist in a state of flux or is Indy's truth not Truth but merely his perception of It which remains indisputably true (for him)?
How did you guys get in touch with Janitor from NBC's (now ABC's) Scrubs? He really lent to your credibility as filmmakers.
Have you guys ever bathed together (this is just a fan question. Nothing really to do with the movie)?
Anyways, S-dawg and G (if I may), I look forward to hearing back from you guys regarding the numerous concerns (as well as appraisals) I have heretofore enumerated. You don't need me to say it, but as always, you guys are the best.
As usual, we'll be having a July 4th block party and, again, as always, you guys are invited. Maybe this year we'll see you! Haha. I kid. But seriously, my wife's red, white, and blue latkes are to die for.
Mazel tov!
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