A Letter to Stephen Spielberg and George Lucas, Re: New Indiana Jones Film

Dear Steve and George (if I may),

I recently attended a midnight release of your latest endeavor, and highly anticipated addendum to the legendary saga of one, Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones, Jr., Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I must say, this newest installment of the epic story of a "part-time" (your words, via Indiana Jones, played by Harrison Ford) archeology professor did not disappoint in the way of an entertaining blockbuster. That said, I find myself with several qualms regarding the film.

It is my (educated) feeling that the newest of the Indiana Jones films (now a four film saga) did not reflect well on the preceding episodes in the life of Dr. Jones. IJATKOTCS (I call it for short) lacked the cinematographic inspiration, existential questioning, and all around artistic vision that so aptly defines the previous films. While in Raiders of the Lost Ark our hero, Indy, goes through thick and thin to obtain the coveted Ark of the Covenant, a deeply significant artifact that plays a crucial part in the redemptive historical acts of a Judeo-Christian God. I mean, angels sit atop the ark; angels, a symbol of divine help, especially as it relates to helping underdog baseball teams come from behind to win the pennant (cf. Angels in the Outfield). No doubt this clear semiotic "shout-out" was to the people of America, telling them to hold tight and know that divine outfielders are on the way. Truly, a mark of genius on the part of director and story writer/producer/film editor alike. That's a story people can relate to. That's a symbol that everybody recognizes. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom also hits home some deeply important themes. The first of which is that smaller people of a different race deserve to be treated differently and given nicknames like "Short Round." Indy blazes this trail by, appropriately, getting annoyed at SR's relentless "Docta J-oh-nz"-ing him. The implications of this in a post-9/11 society are quite eerily apropos. Another lesson learned is that Indian voodoo masters are a lot like scorned women - they try to tear your heart out - and the proper way to deal with them (the women) is to kill them before they kill you. And, again, you guys delivered with Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Seriously. A work of sheer and utter cinematic genius. Truly, this is the Holy Grail of all movies. At least of all movies dealing directly with the Holy Grail (with the possible exception of Monty Python's film dealing with said Grail). Where else than in this world can you combine the stylings of James Bond and Han Solo? Visionary. And who doesn't hate the Nazis (this a joke that only us total Indy buffs will get. Am I right?!) Having realized that the paganism route can only get you so far (gutted), you guys returned to Christian lore, which was a good movie in securing the Christian vote for "Movie of the Millennium" (until the title was passed on in a tie to Mel Gibson's The Passion and Andrew Adamson's The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe). Truly, by the third movie, you two had hit a stride, having finally gotten over that awkward hump of you guys getting used to each other. You felt it, America felt it, we all loved it. So now, I come to the next part of this letter.

I just have so many questions. Not least of which is: "Why?" Secondly: "Really?" After everything we had all been through with the last three movies. We just all had to move on, putting Dr. Henry Jones, Sr. and Marcus Brody behind us and look to the future next to the guy from Transformers. He played with giant toys, for the love of God. How am I supposed to take him seriously in his role as the dreamy renegade, Mutt Williams, especially when at one point when he makes friends with monkeys and subsequently swings from trees (which, by the way, was fairly impressive to me as monkeys can prove quite unruly in front of a camera. Well done.)? This question demands an answer. And who will give it to me? Will you? If so, buckle your seatbelts because I have a few more questions I need to put out there.

Why the title? It's practically novel length.

Why does Cate Blanchett crushing a manivorous ant between her legs turn me on?

Who are these aliens, and where did they come from?

Did bringing aliens into the story seem like the natural step to linking theStar Wars Trilogy and the other Star Wars Trilogy with the Indy films, not to mention Close Encounters, A.I., and Saving Private Ryan?

Regarding the aforementioned aliens, are they judges of good and evil?

Was Shia LaBeouf's line, "Oh, s**t!" supposed to be a veiled reference to the possibility of a fifth Indy flick (fingers crossed for six)?

Why am I still turned on by Cate Blanchett's insecticide?

Do Russians really sound like that?

What happened to the Christian lore? We had such a good thing going there.

Do the powers that govern the world Indy inhabits continually exist in a state of flux or is Indy's truth not Truth but merely his perception of It which remains indisputably true (for him)?

How did you guys get in touch with Janitor from NBC's (now ABC's) Scrubs? He really lent to your credibility as filmmakers.

Have you guys ever bathed together (this is just a fan question. Nothing really to do with the movie)?

Anyways, S-dawg and G (if I may), I look forward to hearing back from you guys regarding the numerous concerns (as well as appraisals) I have heretofore enumerated. You don't need me to say it, but as always, you guys are the best.

As usual, we'll be having a July 4th block party and, again, as always, you guys are invited. Maybe this year we'll see you! Haha. I kid. But seriously, my wife's red, white, and blue latkes are to die for.

Mazel tov!