Zac & Christian; Another Conversation Via Text Message

Dec. 13, 2009 1:54pm PST (Dec. 31, 2010 11:57pm New York Time)

C. Gonz: I love you, my brother.

Z. Chast: I love you too. I am tired of doing the play called Christmas Carol.

C. Gonz: Understandable. You're not very good with clothes.

Z. Chast: Exactly. 4th show of the last 48 hours starts in 30 minutes.

C. Gonz: Oh, God. I'm so sorry. Also, I think it's cool that two heterosexual dudes can tell each other they love each other.

Z. Chast: Agreed. Doesn't happen enough these days. Way this country's headed.

C. Gonz: Yeah. Too bad the recession applies to guy love between two guys. And we're expected to find jobs in this climate, too. What else do you want from us, Dad?

Z. Chast: Supply and demand my ass.

C. Gonz: I won't do that. I love you, but it's not supposed to be weird like that. Also, a plunger is an embarrassing thing to buy because everyone knows what you've done.

Z. Chast: Walk of shame takes on a while new meaning when you're trying to find your Walmart shoppers' club card while fumbling with a plunger and scented candles.

C. Gonz: Yeah. But the laxatives are really what make it overkill. And it isn't terribly weird until the guy behind you says, "Big day ahead of you, huh?"

Z. Chast: At which point you break your cardinal rule never to call anyone "chief" in a derogatory manner and say, "Listen, chief, why don't you just pay for your Funyuns."

C. Gonz: Then you realize that you just sank to his level, and all that's left for you is the Jesus Prayer. Also, I hear it's about 2011 out your way.

Z. Chast: Yep, season 6 LOST sucked. Time for me to get dressed man. I gotta make this place smell like cookies.

C. Gonz: Happy show. New plunger works like a charm.

Zac & Christian, a conversation via text messaging

Dec. 4, 1:54 PM, EST (11:54 AM, Thanksgiving Day 2007, California-time)

C. Gonz: Plus. If one day it were to be published, I might get to meet him [Ben Gibbard], which would really just be a ploy to steal Zooey back. Seriously. I mean. Come on. We're in love with the same woman, for crying out loud! Also. I'm really sad that I burned my tongue on my coffee this morning. :( In the words of Michael Scott, mo' money, mo' problems.

Z. Chast: Is the lesson here that sometimes the early bird doesn't get the worm? Also, I just got 3 texts, one you just sent and two from earlier, re: Meeting Gib and stealing back Zooey. I no longer trust my phone.

C. Gonz: It's tough when the things you used to think were true no longer are.

Z. Chast: Suddenly you look at your mom and think, "Maybe you are nurturer. But maybe you're not."

C. Gonz: That's when you know you've arrived at agnosticism, and you have no choice but to become a vegetarian just in case cows really did create the world.

Z. Chast: And as you're sitting on the toilet after your 3rd bowl of vegetarian chili, you think to yourself, "This isn't the life I imagined."

C. Gonz: Except for maybe the diarrhea. You really should have seen that coming give the bowel loosener supplement that you used to swear by.

Z. Chast: And that's just the problem, isn't it? When you began, science was your savior, but now she's your wife. And she is a fickle, tempestuous whore.

C. Gonz: Now all you want is death, death for your birthday.