Fatty Writes Santa a Letter

Dear Santa,

How are you? I hope that these last couple days before Christmas aren't stressing you out too bad! LOLZ. I can only imagine what you have to deal with - all those elves wanting this and that, reindeer with hoof-and-mouth disease, and not to mention the cold up there! Has it been as cold in the North Pole as it has been here? Mommy and Daddy have been telling me that Global Warming is a myth and that "the liberals will find any way to twist this environmental shit to make it go their way. Commies." I don't really know that any of that means, but I've never heard the story of Global Warming, so I'm pretty unfamiliar with the myth. Does it have a happy ending?

 

I guess I'll just get to the point of this letter. I know it's last minute, but that's just sorta how I am with these things! ROFL! Mommy and Daddy have been talking a lot about the eekonomy (sp?) and how it's having these really bad results in terms of our lifestyle. They're saying that we might only have one turkey between the three of us this year! That seems like a real bummer. I don't remember the last time we didn't have our own turkey each. They were also saying that we might have to sell our recliners that surround our dinner table, just so we can have enough money to get all the ingredients we need for figgie pudding, fruit cakes, gingerbread cookies, pumpkin pie, sweet potatoes, apple cider (we make it extra sweet!), stuffing (triple portion), and of course jumbo-sized candy canes! This doesn't really seem like the proper holiday attitude to have in this house! We are a small family, but we have large hearts and need sustenance, especially on Christmas. I just don't think it's right that Daddy should have to give up his recliner and turkey just because the eekonomie (sp? I just don't know!) is "bottoming out," he says.

Please, Santa. Save Christmas for us. We don't want to have to get rid of the recliners, because Mommy says that our wooden chairs are for guests who are less "girthy" than we are. This year, please, we don't want presents. Forget about the stocking stuffers (except for the Skittles, Starburst, Reese's Peanut Butter cups, See's Candy Boxes, York Peppermint Patties, Jolly Ranchers, 3 Musketeer Bars, Milky Way bars (both milk and dark chocolate), Gummy Bears, Sour Patch Kids, etc.), please just bring us our holiday meals. They are our just desserts (get it?!). Please bring Mommy and Daddy two more turkeys. Please bring me another bowl of cranberry jelly. Please bring us those Christmas hams, too! It's not fair that just because other people can't manage their money and the eckohnemi (SP?!) tanks that we have to feel the "pangs of financial desperation," that's what Daddy says.

 

So, please help us, Santa. Please. We're in need. And that's what you do right? Help the needy. Feed the hungry. Heal the sick. Make the blind to see and the lame to walk. I know you've got it in there somewhere to help us in our hour of need. LOL! Why would I doubt you?!

Merry Christmas,

Fatty McFarly

Walla World

This is Christopher Walla, producer and guitarist for the now-famous Indie-Allstar outfit Death Cab for Cutie.

This photo was taken shortly after Ben Gibbard "jokingly" smacked Chris in the head for suggesting that maybe Ben could go shopping for new sneakers later and lay down a rhythm guitar part now.

"OK, Ben, just try to keep it to two hours this time... Or three.... three is fine."

Later that night, Chris calls a meeting with other D-Cab members Nick and Jason to discuss the band's future.

Chris: You know, we don't need Ben. He's not the only writer in this band. You guys have been to my myspace. This band goes on, with or without Mr. Benjamin Gibbard! Jason-- you were just telling me yesterday how you wanted to take more chances. And Nick, I love the demos you sent to my gmail. Really fresh sound. Now who's with me??

Nick: We're a fucking joke without Ben.

Jason: Yeah, I think you're tired Chris.

Chris: Just like that, Jay?

Jason: I'm sorry Chris, I understand you have to work with him the most one on one and that can be hard but--

Chris: (interrupting) No yeah shutup shutup shutup. [collects himself] Ok. I didn't want to have to do this, but I will. Jason, Ben fucked your sister.

Jason: What?

Chris: [pointing] Yeah, he did it right there on the soundboard.

Jason: Cathy?

Chris: Ben was blind drunk, he started playing her "I will follow you" and then stopped midway through and just started plowing her, right here, while I was mixing. Like I wasn't even here. Thank God I had just saved the levels.

Jason: [barely comprehending] She's...a...diabetic. I mean, what if she--

Chris: So, re-vote?

Nick: Wait. So you watched them?

Chris: No. Of course I didn't "just" watch them.

Nick: Wait, what?

Jason: Yeah. What?

Chris: What?

Nick: What do you mean "just" watch them?

Chris: I didn't say "just."

Nick: No, yeah. You definitely did.

Chris: No, you said, "You just watched them?" And I said I didn't.

Nick: I never said, "just."

Jason: He never said "just."

Nick: You added "just." I didn't say "just."

Chris: Whatever. I know what you said and I know what I said. Enough.

Nick: You said -

Chris: Look. This isn't the conversation I called you here to have.

Jason: Chris, why are you getting so defensive?

Chris: [responding to Jason's accusation] I'm not gay for Ben.

(silence, everyone, including Chris, baffled)

Nick: Did you just...

Chris: the Myspace page...

Jason: ...on the soundboard?

Nick: I think you just came out.

Jason: Cathy and Ben...

Chris: No, dude.

Jason: ...so fucked up.

Nick: Are you gay for Ben, Chris?

Chris: Nah...nah...no. Ahem. No.

Christian and Zachary Are Different

In honor of our friends Courtney and Amanda, we have decided to use this blog post to enumerate the many ways that the progenitors of this domain are dissimilar. When two people use a common forum to advertise their goodies, it is not difficult to confuse their entities and consider them a unified front. So, in the spirit of Christian honesty, we, Zachary and Christian, have deigned to show mercy on you, our beloved readers, and give you the insider's look and remedy your ignorance through a VH1-behind-the-music-esque view of our motley lives.

So, without further ado:

1) Christian is from the West Coast, and Zachary is from the East Coast.

2) Zachary rolls with Biggie, Christian rolls with Tupac.

3) Christian is the son of a male nurse, and Zachary is the son of a male pastor.

4) Zachary is skinny, and Christian is not-so-skinny.

5) Christian likes to be honest with his friends, trusting that their friendship will endure no matter what the topic,
while "Zachary" likes to beat around the bush and usually ends up hurting feelings more often that way.

6) Zachary has never paid for sex.

7) Christian doesn't like to talk about it. Zachary won't let it go.

8) Zachary will worry about a term paper for two weeks only to start it the night before it's due. Christian will not worry about a term paper until the night before it's due.

9) Christian is not afraid to touch you. Zachary is watching you.

10) Zachary's favorite color is green. Christian's favorite color is blue.

11) Christian was a first baseman, and Zachary was a second baseman.

12) Zachary likes a woman who ain't scared to get dirty. Christian wants a girl he can take home to meet mom.

13) Christian finds value in reading children's literature such as Harry Potter. Zachary is an intellectual snob who thinks children are weak-minded.

14) Zachary got an A- in Modern European Literature while Christian only managed to get a B+.

15) Christian wonders why Zachary is so afraid to be equals. Zachary is compensating for something.

16) Zachary would like to uppercut you right out of those Crocs and that Jack Johnson T-Shirt. Christian thought his first CD was okay.

17) Christian wears sandals. Zachary does not like bare male feet.

18) Zachary was born in the Fall, Christian was born in the Summer.

19) Christian thinks that Church and society should learn to openly dialogue with another. Zachary thinks God doesn't see him when defecates on public monuments.

20) Zachary believes that desperate times call for desperate measures; dictators must be overthrown one way or another. Christian will be voting for John McCain.

21) Christian likes to vote with his pants on. Zachary has never made it through an election without getting arrested.

22) Zachary has 99 problems and four of them are bitches. Christian wishes he wasn't a bitch.

23) Christian isn't a bitch.

24) Yeah-huh.

25) When was the last time you were truly vulnerable?

26) I don't remember.

27) I wish I didn't.

28) Zachary drinks to remember. Christian drinks to forget.

29) Christian took the registrar seriously and now has a college degree, unlike Zachary who will never be a competent French speaker.

30) Zachary tries not say hurtful things to his friends which he might regret in the morning. When he's sober.

Fighting Crime Doesn't Pay

Superheroes everywhere are putting down their capes and donning white collars to join a new kind of intensive force: the labor force. Their mission: to make rent and utilities by the first of the month. Superhero representative/spokesperson Adriana Adams, when questioned about this trend, said, "Superheroes are people, too. People who need shelter, food, and normalcy." Adams went on to relate that that superheroes are simply not making enough money to support themselves and/or any legitimate or otherwise conceived superhero babies they may have flying around. The superhero community has repeated time and again that they cannot continue their services without compensation, calling the public-at-large a bunch of "freeloading 'normies' who need constant babysitting." The public, however, has refused to acknowledge the requests of its mutant, radioactive counterparts believing "normies" to be a term of endearment to the completely helpness nature of the flightless, superstrengthless majority of the human race.

When asked how he felt regarding leaving the public eye as a superhuman, the incredible Hulk responded, "Well, it just makes me [expletive] angry, mostly. I mean, [expletive], we have asked those [expletive] to help us out financially. It's not a [expletive] cake-walk reeking mayhem and pursuing vigilante justice...we're risking our [expletive] lives out there." And the Hulk is not the only superhero to feel this way. The amazing Spider-man commented, "We can't be out there all the time. We just can't. Yes, we have great power and even greater responsibility. But my bills don't pay themselves...It really is best."

The superhero community has been contemplating this move for a long time, and only now have they finally made the seriousness of the situation and the actuality of the switch known. This has also given superheroes the chance to find jobs where their unique powers will be of use to them. Many, however, have found the job hunt to be somewhat fruitless. Wolverine was stopped outside of a broker's office in Manhattan, he shared, "Listen, bub, there just isn't much to say. What use does a broker have for a guy with an adamantium skeleton and retractable claws? I have powers, not skills."

And so, the Avengers, the X-men, the Fantastic Four are no more. With the disbanding of all these superhero groups, the public finds itself wondering exactly who will fight for them, protecting the innocent and apprehending the baddies. The superheroes, meanwhile, are up against a whole new set of trials - fitting in to the world around them and making endsmeet. Many are trading their high-tech radio communicators and telepathic powers for cell phones which present their own problems such as setting up voicemail and text messaging. And maybe it is time that normies rise to the call of this new era and act like heroes now. How? By offering jobs to any street corner hobo who looks like he once was a Human Torch, or by sharing any expertise regarding common, modern technology (cell phones, iPod's, etc.) with someone wearing ruby-quartz glasses because he just may have been Cyclops once. And it will be most important that we join forces with our former protectors as they battle the most frightening villain they have all had yet to face: the resume.

Hot Diggity (Dog Ziggity Boom)

The lyrics to Al Hoffman and Dick Manning's famous 1956 ditty:

(Note: If you're searching for Blackstreet's "No Diggity", please redirect yourself.)

Oh, hot diggity, dog ziggity, boom what you do to me
It's so new to me, what you do to me
Hot diggity, dog ziggity, boom what you do to me
When you're holding me tight

Never dreamed anybody could kiss thattaway
Bring me bliss thattaway, what a kiss thattaway
What a wonderful feelin' to feel thattaway
Tell me where have you been all my life

Oh, hot diggity, dog ziggity, boom what you do to me
It's so new to me, what you do to me
Hot diggity, dog ziggity, boom what you do to me
When you're holding me tight

Never knew that my heart could go "zing" thattaway
Ting-a-ling thattaway, make me sing thattaway
Said "goodbye" to my troubles, they went thattaway
Ever since you came into my life

Oh, hot diggity, dog ziggit,y boom what you do to me
It's so new to me, what you do to me
Hot diggity, dog ziggity, boom what you do to me
When you're holding me tight

There's a cute little cottage for two thattaway
Skies are blue thattaway, dreams come true thattaway
If you say I can share it with you thattaway
I'll be happy the rest of my life

Hot dog!!

A Letter to Stephen Spielberg and George Lucas, Re: New Indiana Jones Film

Dear Steve and George (if I may),

I recently attended a midnight release of your latest endeavor, and highly anticipated addendum to the legendary saga of one, Dr. Henry "Indiana" Jones, Jr., Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull. I must say, this newest installment of the epic story of a "part-time" (your words, via Indiana Jones, played by Harrison Ford) archeology professor did not disappoint in the way of an entertaining blockbuster. That said, I find myself with several qualms regarding the film.

It is my (educated) feeling that the newest of the Indiana Jones films (now a four film saga) did not reflect well on the preceding episodes in the life of Dr. Jones. IJATKOTCS (I call it for short) lacked the cinematographic inspiration, existential questioning, and all around artistic vision that so aptly defines the previous films. While in Raiders of the Lost Ark our hero, Indy, goes through thick and thin to obtain the coveted Ark of the Covenant, a deeply significant artifact that plays a crucial part in the redemptive historical acts of a Judeo-Christian God. I mean, angels sit atop the ark; angels, a symbol of divine help, especially as it relates to helping underdog baseball teams come from behind to win the pennant (cf. Angels in the Outfield). No doubt this clear semiotic "shout-out" was to the people of America, telling them to hold tight and know that divine outfielders are on the way. Truly, a mark of genius on the part of director and story writer/producer/film editor alike. That's a story people can relate to. That's a symbol that everybody recognizes. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom also hits home some deeply important themes. The first of which is that smaller people of a different race deserve to be treated differently and given nicknames like "Short Round." Indy blazes this trail by, appropriately, getting annoyed at SR's relentless "Docta J-oh-nz"-ing him. The implications of this in a post-9/11 society are quite eerily apropos. Another lesson learned is that Indian voodoo masters are a lot like scorned women - they try to tear your heart out - and the proper way to deal with them (the women) is to kill them before they kill you. And, again, you guys delivered with Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade. Seriously. A work of sheer and utter cinematic genius. Truly, this is the Holy Grail of all movies. At least of all movies dealing directly with the Holy Grail (with the possible exception of Monty Python's film dealing with said Grail). Where else than in this world can you combine the stylings of James Bond and Han Solo? Visionary. And who doesn't hate the Nazis (this a joke that only us total Indy buffs will get. Am I right?!) Having realized that the paganism route can only get you so far (gutted), you guys returned to Christian lore, which was a good movie in securing the Christian vote for "Movie of the Millennium" (until the title was passed on in a tie to Mel Gibson's The Passion and Andrew Adamson's The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, and the Wardrobe). Truly, by the third movie, you two had hit a stride, having finally gotten over that awkward hump of you guys getting used to each other. You felt it, America felt it, we all loved it. So now, I come to the next part of this letter.

I just have so many questions. Not least of which is: "Why?" Secondly: "Really?" After everything we had all been through with the last three movies. We just all had to move on, putting Dr. Henry Jones, Sr. and Marcus Brody behind us and look to the future next to the guy from Transformers. He played with giant toys, for the love of God. How am I supposed to take him seriously in his role as the dreamy renegade, Mutt Williams, especially when at one point when he makes friends with monkeys and subsequently swings from trees (which, by the way, was fairly impressive to me as monkeys can prove quite unruly in front of a camera. Well done.)? This question demands an answer. And who will give it to me? Will you? If so, buckle your seatbelts because I have a few more questions I need to put out there.

Why the title? It's practically novel length.

Why does Cate Blanchett crushing a manivorous ant between her legs turn me on?

Who are these aliens, and where did they come from?

Did bringing aliens into the story seem like the natural step to linking theStar Wars Trilogy and the other Star Wars Trilogy with the Indy films, not to mention Close Encounters, A.I., and Saving Private Ryan?

Regarding the aforementioned aliens, are they judges of good and evil?

Was Shia LaBeouf's line, "Oh, s**t!" supposed to be a veiled reference to the possibility of a fifth Indy flick (fingers crossed for six)?

Why am I still turned on by Cate Blanchett's insecticide?

Do Russians really sound like that?

What happened to the Christian lore? We had such a good thing going there.

Do the powers that govern the world Indy inhabits continually exist in a state of flux or is Indy's truth not Truth but merely his perception of It which remains indisputably true (for him)?

How did you guys get in touch with Janitor from NBC's (now ABC's) Scrubs? He really lent to your credibility as filmmakers.

Have you guys ever bathed together (this is just a fan question. Nothing really to do with the movie)?

Anyways, S-dawg and G (if I may), I look forward to hearing back from you guys regarding the numerous concerns (as well as appraisals) I have heretofore enumerated. You don't need me to say it, but as always, you guys are the best.

As usual, we'll be having a July 4th block party and, again, as always, you guys are invited. Maybe this year we'll see you! Haha. I kid. But seriously, my wife's red, white, and blue latkes are to die for.

Mazel tov!