How are you? I hope that these last couple days before Christmas aren't stressing you out too bad! LOLZ. I can only imagine what you have to deal with - all those elves wanting this and that, reindeer with hoof-and-mouth disease, and not to mention the cold up there! Has it been as cold in the North Pole as it has been here? Mommy and Daddy have been telling me that Global Warming is a myth and that "the liberals will find any way to twist this environmental shit to make it go their way. Commies." I don't really know that any of that means, but I've never heard the story of Global Warming, so I'm pretty unfamiliar with the myth. Does it have a happy ending?
I guess I'll just get to the point of this letter. I know it's last minute, but that's just sorta how I am with these things! ROFL! Mommy and Daddy have been talking a lot about the eekonomy (sp?) and how it's having these really bad results in terms of our lifestyle. They're saying that we might only have one turkey between the three of us this year! That seems like a real bummer. I don't remember the last time we didn't have our own turkey each. They were also saying that we might have to sell our recliners that surround our dinner table, just so we can have enough money to get all the ingredients we need for figgie pudding, fruit cakes, gingerbread cookies, pumpkin pie, sweet potatoes, apple cider (we make it extra sweet!), stuffing (triple portion), and of course jumbo-sized candy canes! This doesn't really seem like the proper holiday attitude to have in this house! We are a small family, but we have large hearts and need sustenance, especially on Christmas. I just don't think it's right that Daddy should have to give up his recliner and turkey just because the eekonomie (sp? I just don't know!) is "bottoming out," he says.
Please, Santa. Save Christmas for us. We don't want to have to get rid of the recliners, because Mommy says that our wooden chairs are for guests who are less "girthy" than we are. This year, please, we don't want presents. Forget about the stocking stuffers (except for the Skittles, Starburst, Reese's Peanut Butter cups, See's Candy Boxes, York Peppermint Patties, Jolly Ranchers, 3 Musketeer Bars, Milky Way bars (both milk and dark chocolate), Gummy Bears, Sour Patch Kids, etc.), please just bring us our holiday meals. They are our just desserts (get it?!). Please bring Mommy and Daddy two more turkeys. Please bring me another bowl of cranberry jelly. Please bring us those Christmas hams, too! It's not fair that just because other people can't manage their money and the eckohnemi (SP?!) tanks that we have to feel the "pangs of financial desperation," that's what Daddy says.
So, please help us, Santa. Please. We're in need. And that's what you do right? Help the needy. Feed the hungry. Heal the sick. Make the blind to see and the lame to walk. I know you've got it in there somewhere to help us in our hour of need. LOL! Why would I doubt you?!
Merry Christmas,
Fatty McFarly
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